*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You Might Also Like
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.