Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….