Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*