*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.