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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”