she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.