if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Oh thanks BBC.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.