DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I think they could have phrased this better
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.