A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
who will stop them
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*