If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
plums roundup
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”