Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!