[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]