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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history