How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I’m listening
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*