Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.