I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record