Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
You Might Also Like
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Goat cheese is for herders.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.