Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
What is going on? 😅
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.