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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*