you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
3% human
97% stress
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Chemical wingman
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.