[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There鈥檚 nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma鈥檚, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: I just don鈥檛 see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber鈥檚 salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I鈥檝e got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I鈥檝e never been so happy to know she鈥檚 actually using it
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 馃槙
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I backed my car into my husband鈥檚 car once when we were dating and for 25 years he鈥檚 not parked behind me.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don鈥檛 touch anything
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW鈥橲 EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I鈥橫 GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*