NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
can’t believe I got front row seats
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.