These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
groan^2
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.