I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?