Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order