“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If a snake ate a cake
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”