I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Hot hot hot 🥵
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in