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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Webb. James Webb.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning