my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
This is so me 😂😂
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money