my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
oh you wanna fight?!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?