Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
<—- homeless romantic
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
oh you wanna fight?!
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.