CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 đ
You canât hurt me. Youâre not a âclosedâ sign on a pizzeria door.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said âand we can bring our cats!â and she gets deadly serious and goes âthey wonât let them in. what with allergies and allâ
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of â08 Lysol?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: Iâm so excited to be working here. Itâs always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: Youâll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace