“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.