I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for