Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My blood type is b hungry.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
rise and shine we got egg
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.