*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.