HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Was it something I said?
meow
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Day 2 of my diet