me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential