Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.