Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
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Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
me, too, girl. me, too.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you