One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou