It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?