Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
#DesignFail
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—