Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Cndnsd Mlk
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
58.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots