“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.