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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?