My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
fly smarter, not harder
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.