Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
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The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Yup!
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful