[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
You Might Also Like
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?