[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.